I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re shamed by another person for experiencing an emotion, it’s typically an indication of their inability to sit with that same emotion. 

Being shamed for how we express ourselves, our wants, and our needs is sadly something we, as a collective, experience far too much. Whether it's within family dynamics, romantic relationships, or even friendships, this level of shaming and lack of understanding or compassion for the other is exactly what leads others to feel alone, disempowered and isolated. Comments like “Stop crying,” “You need to get over it,” “You’re weak,” “You shouldn’t feel like this,” and “This isn’t important” are examples of the kind of shaming language that can be hurtful, especially when someone is going through a difficult time or has been vulnerable.

If you resonate with this you're not alone. For years I became an “over understander”. I tried to understand where everyone was coming from and made excuses for their behaviour because I thought it was MY responsibility to accommodate. I never learned boundaries growing up, so I believed I caused people’s emotions. That how they treated me was because of me. 

So, I developed coping mechanisms to protect myself from feeling that fear, shame and guilt again. Masking my truth, suppressing my emotions, not feeling my discomfort and playing small so I wasn’t seen as ‘too much’, or not enough by those around me. 

Through doing the work on my healing and self-love journey, I realised four things:

1. How people respond is based on their ability or inability to sit with their own discomfort. I too have to sit with mine. Simply sit, observe and label it without judgement.  
2. It is not my responsibility to decode other people’s behaviour. I am only responsible for myself. 
3. All I can do is stop over-considering / over-explaining, and ask myself: does this situation create a pattern where I need to abandon myself? 
4. Adding healthy boundaries and having uncomfortable conversations are part of the journey. The key is to remember boundaries keep love in, not out.

The truth is, once you learn to sit long enough with every uncomfortable emotion and phase in your life - incredible shifts happen. You will begin to nurture those parts of you that require love, softness and healing. You will understand the lessons you need to transform, and in turn offer the same grace to another. You may also decide it’s in your highest truth to walk away from people, situations and places that no longer serve you or make you feel small. 

We are all works in progress and fundamentally there are no ‘good’ or ‘bad’ emotions, for each of them serves a purpose. It is our job to use these gems to learn, grow, connect deeper to ourselves and create the life and love we desire. 

Ready to dive deeper? The waitlist for my Six Week Self-Love Bootcamp has just opened, click here to sign up!

Love and gratitude,

Kiren x